I almost beat Mike Gravel!

Well the polls are in in New Hampshire, and I am stunned--positively stunned--to learn that my non-campaign is almost eking out Mike Gravel, who leads me just shy of something like a couple hundred votes.  

Gosh.  I just don't know what to say.  Thank you!  God Bless New Hampshire!  

Well, gee, uh, first of all, I want to thank my supporters, all none of you.  Without your tireless efforts, I would not have done nearly as well as I was surprised to learn I did.  And all while sitting here playing Wii in my pajamas!  

You know, when I started out on this great journey (checks watch) about three hours ago, I had a campaign that was very different from Mike Gravel's.  Unlike Mike Gravel, who criss-crossed the state talking to people and, I guess, randomly staring at stuff, foolishly spending thousands of dollars that I never had to spend to almost beat him in this great state, I did it in a way that defied the status quo.  I did it in my pajamas, playing Wii.  And for those nonexistent efforts I almost beat Mike Gravel tonight!

I love the Granite State!  

So thanks to all of you who did everything they could to not support me.  It means a lot.  

I also want to thank my family.  My boys Willard and Muzzy, they're great kids.  And of course there's Jeannie, who I've loved for seventeen years, and--if I can be personal for a moment--who came up to me after the announcement and whispered in my ear, "I can't wait to celebrate later back at the hotel."  And of course, my wife Mabel.  

You know, a lot of people said I couldn't do it.  A lot of people said to me, "Lars, I didn't even know you were running."  And I look those critics straight in the eye and say, "Yes, but I didn't know I was running either."  

Today is a great day.  I am surging in the polls.  And by surging, I mean I got just a couple hundred votes fewer than Mike Gravel.  Or Duncan Hunter for that matter!  And he was on Hardball!  With bi-partisan non-support like that, I am just waiting for the UNITY/HERE/HUH? call for the nomination.

So now it's on to Nevada and South Carolina, and Puerto Rico and all the other states where I am not running, where I expect to not fight as hard as I did not fight in this campaign.

And where I will still almost beat Mike Gravel.  

Thank you!  Thank you very much!  God Bless the United States of America!